i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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