Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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