So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I have already put on my inside pants.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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