I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
