My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
