i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The Olympian is in my bed
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
