Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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