I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
