Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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