Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Randomize
