I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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