Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
