ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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