everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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