We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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