I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
