ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
