It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
