i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
