does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
