The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
