rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
