You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
