You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
