Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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