what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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