I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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