You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize