wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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