So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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