Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just pee around me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
