I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im holly from the hills drunk
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
