I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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