Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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