just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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