I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
