i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
be right there i have to get my cape
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
