Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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