there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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