I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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