oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
