a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
