worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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