Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
