Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
A bitchslap is in order.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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