I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
