Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
