3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
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I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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