But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
