he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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