I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
