Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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