Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
