I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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