Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
