Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
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Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize