Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
