We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
