my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
