My cat gives me a boner
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
