Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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