Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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